Long Time Leaving by Roy Blount Jr

Author:Roy Blount Jr. [Blount, Roy Jr.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-49660-7
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2006-09-16T04:00:00+00:00

The Clampetts Never Got to Whack Anybody

Members of New York's Gambino crime family are distancing themselves from the Clinton pardon scandal, calling the former president's family “low-rent, trailer-park trash.” Thomas Gambino, 72, son of the late mob boss Carlo Gambino, is fuming at reports his family had something to do with Roger Clinton's effort to get a pardon for a New Jersey heroin dealer named Rosario “Sal” Gambino.

—New York Post

Okay, now I am going to do a little impression, of sorts, in which—I don't usually do this. I believe in quoting people the way they actually said it, or the way they actually would have said it if I weren't making it up. But in this case, I am going to euphemize something. It is something that people where I come from do right often, thank you very much, but they don't rely upon it quite so much in conversation. I am going to replace that with something that people in the South would do even more often than the other thing, if they had time, and which has the same number of letters and begins with the same one. Here we go.

“What—I don't love The Sopranos? The fish you talkin’ about? Listen to me: fishin’ Tony Soprano should fishin’ run for fishin’ president, you hear what I'm tellin’ you? So he's fishin’ seein’ a fishin’ shrink, so fishin’ what? You think Al fishin’ Quaida's gunna get outta line, they know the guy we got over here in the Oval fishin’ Office is a made man? Git the fish adda here. Tony Soprano's fishin’ mudduh, when she was on, like, oxygen support, coulda fishin’ handled Al-Quaeda. “What am I, a fishin’ grabotz or some kind of corrupted Sicilian word like that? I fishin’ love The fishin’ Sopranos so much, it's fishin’ afishin'fectin’ my fishin’ prose style hee'y.

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